February 6th, 2004
HAPPY SWEET 16TH BIRTHDAY EMILY
I MISS CAT!
I'm So excited for Valentine's day! *crosses fingers* I hope *Nick* does show up I've really been needing him since everbody seems to hate me now... I love nick and he's coming to the party especailly to see me! ME! Isn't that great?!?:-)
Current Mood: bouncy
February 3rd, 2004
HAPPY 15TH BIRTHADAY MISSA! (yesterday)
HAPPY 4TH BIRTHDAY ANGELA!
February 2nd, 2004
I'm tired of being the one everyone hates.
I'm tired of being the one who'll do anything for anybody.
I'm sick of being that stupid teenager your forced to deal with!
I'm tired of being labled
January 19th, 2004
|01:12 pm - A message to all ... read it...|
I’m sorry I lied to you… If you hate me , I don’t blame you. But do really think I’m so evil that I don’t beat myself up for it EVERY SINGE DAY? I do Do you think I’m proud of it? I’m not. Hate me… bad mouth me … ignore me… whatever. But stop freaking attacking me I do enough of that myself, thanks
December 9th, 2003
|07:50 pm - quick blurbs of an update|
I got the most adorable pictures ever!!! *grins* I better be sent hard copies those photos!
I get to see my darling angel tommarrow! My sorta kinda niece
I only have TWO more Christmas gifts to get Daddy's and Maggie's ooo and Rose's ... that's 3:-)
I am going to snowcoming and meeting Skyler there. He's great, so flippin' funny and the poor boy thinks I'm "the coolest person alive," if he only knew, right?:(
I'm 15, go me! Three more years.
I miss people.
My friend Missa got me the cuuuutest shirt ever!
I should get back to homework
I hate civics, it's a snooze!
I loooove this movie , it's Now and Then, the essence of my childhood!
November 12th, 2003
|05:41 pm - plea|
People say that instead of finding sneaky ways to get I should just ask for it so hear you go:
I NEED HELP
I NEED LOVE
I NEED COMFORT
Anyone up for the challenge?
I'm scared and I and need you, badly
there I said it
November 11th, 2003
|06:45 pm - Anyone got a brick wall I can bang my head on??|
Just so you know, people my age are heartless. I know I have said that a lot but it's 100% true. I might not be an exception to this statement-- I don't really know. But at least I'm half decent at TRYING to be kind. That's all I ask of these kids , instead they say things, ignorant things, that make want to take an electric screwdriver to my head. I understand that along the way we are all going to make mistakes that hurt people, trust me I am no, exception. However, when they mess up they like to blame people who have no flipping clue what's going on like... , me and won't even admit it or apolijize . I hate it! Then of course the dumb "friends" have to send me nasty emails that me cry so hard , I cannot see the keyboard well engough to write them back and defend myself. Plus, since I have hit my low points in the past none of my real friend give a shit how I feel anymore, which makes life even more difficult! Now that I have vented properly , excuse while I try fix my life....
November 5th, 2003
The playground was full of excited children playing games like tag, hide-and-seek, red-rover, and tether-ball. As usual I was sitting on top of my walker cheering for the girl on my team to plow through the arms of the human wall on the other side of the soccer field. Molly was a snobby, red-headed new kid who had joined our team for the obvious reason, she was girl.
“Why do you even try to play?” she asked me with a mocking tone in her voice,”You can’t run, those boys just let you through because they feel sorry for you.”
“I can play if I want to. Nobody died and left you a crown.” I said assertively, and I did play. I ran making sure to glare back at Molly right before I broke through my contender’s arms. I wasn’t afraid of her and she knew it. The problem was that all the other girls did fear Molly and she hated me.
One afternoon I got a call form three of my best friends. Their words burned my ego so severely that even now, five years later they are branded in my mind. “You just aren’t worth it, Cathleen. We don’t want friends like you.” That was my first brush with unnecessary cruelty.
It took time but eventually those girls called back begging to return to the clique. I did, out of pure loneliness. I never spoke about that phone call to them or anyone else because I felt childish being upset over something they said when we were nine. Those words however constantly echoed in the back of my mind.
As I got older girls got meaner and more judgmental, the boys also became hard to confide in. I learned how to form fake smiles and ignore my insecurities. I thought tears were weak and useless and at that time they probably were. Every single time somebody didn’t invite me to a party or did something as little as tell me my hair was out of place, I froze terrified of loosing them. Kids my age continued to make me feel like I was unworthy and I was too timid to just tell an adult. I was teased by other teenagers because I would not partake in the dangerous activities they were all so proud of being involved in. I was told by one too many people that their misfortunes were my fault and I’d begun to believe that I was insignificant.
By the time I reached thirteen my self-esteem was completely gone.
At age fourteen I was incredibly depressed. I had to talk myself out of committing suicide on a daily basis; however that became more difficult as time went on and I was worried that one day it could be impossible. I started to lie to the only people in world outside of my family who cared about me, of course I was clueless enough not realize how much they cared at the time. I told them tearful lies about being sick with bulimia. My sinful story developed to the point wear I was supposed to have only a few days to live. I did this just to hear phrases like “I wish I could help you …”, “I need you” and “You’ll always have me.”; it was extremely wrong but inside I wished so horribly that it was the truth. My friends’ reactions to my fake brushes with illness and death were the only things that pushed me to keep going. I knew that if they really did care it wouldn’t be fair to kill myself and I wanted to avoid feeling like that was needed all costs. I’ll be frank, this evil method worked for awhile. After conversation with somebody who honestly tells you five times in two sentences that they miss you, your self confidence does begin to feel a little less bruised. But it was horribly selfish and stupid. I feel unexplainably guilty. I would do anything anyone of those asked me to if it meant that they’d try to forget what I have done.
Some questions are most likely popping into your head just about now and for the first time in six months I may just have the answers:
*Was I purposely hurting the people I love? No, but I did toy with their emotions and that was almost unforgivable of me.
*Why didn’t I just tell the people who were concerned about me I needed their support? I thought they’d think I was shallow and idiotic. That made me think I might loose them.
*Haven’t I lost my friends now because you lied? Yes, I think so. That’s frightening.
*Do I really think it is all “molly’s” fault? I am entirely at fault. Although, she is the first who ever made me feel badly about myself and for purposes of this essay I thought I should start at the beginning.
I was asked to tell you why I so inconsiderately deceived such compassionate people. Even though it is no defense the short answer is, survival. I know that I had people who take care of me if I needed help.
October 2nd, 2003
No love is endless or unconditional nor should it be.
No love is without commitment.
No love is indestructible.
Nobody’s always going to there for you..
Everybody stops caring.
It’s always somebody’s fault.
Yes that REALLY cynical. I’ve lied. So, you got mad… here’s what you want …. Utter honesty.
October 1st, 2003
|02:51 pm - messages|
I'm majorly angry!!! God, I don't understand people. Here are some messages I honestly I could get across to people. There are a few and some may not apply to you but read them anyway you may need them soon:
1. Think about who you're speaking to. Don't say things that would hit home in a bad way if you know better. It's not nice. Think crappy untrue things if you want but if your going to cause people personal-inner scars, shut your mouth.
2. If you make somebody cry because you treat them incredably poorly, don't expect their friends to forgive until they do. This might not happen. People's lives are extreamly connected. People need friends and they know it. Every time you punch someone , you're punch those who love them. So just don't throw any GD punches.
3. If you decide to ticked at someone , fine, you most likely have every right to be mad. When that's the case, it would be best not to talk them or at least make it very clear how angry you actually are. Do not say you forgive people then rub mistakes in there faces every single chance you get. It might hurt just as much as whatever they did to piss you off.
4. Bad things happen to great people. What makes great people great is how they deal with the bad things. However, it doesn't they deal with them flawlessly and they don't need you're judgement. Eventually, they WILL handle it.... they'll have to, why is none of you're bisiness.
5. When hungry eat, When you're stired sleep don't pcomplain, ever. People yell lots..
6. Sometimes you hurt the only person in the you understands you, will stop caring. It's probably your fault, but iy'll make you sad.